I don't want to blog about it.

A few weeks ago, I reached out to Mommy Magic fans on FB and asked for input and comments from moms who have only one child. The comments were very much what I had expected. Sometimes you get to make the choice - and sometimes choices are made it for you. But everyone (who posted) appreciated the blessing of the child they have.

Reading between the not so subtle lines, you can probably guess this is an issue / choice that my husband and I have been facing. Well ... I've started this blog 100 different times in my head. Mostly, I attempted to wax poetic and nostalgic about my desire to have another child. How agonizing it is to: miscarry (three times), worry about my son who won't get to have a sibling, decide whether or not to potentially risk my own health to attempt another pregnancy, blah, blah, friggin' blah.

We've made our choice - and we're not having any more kids. It was an agonizing decision.

I was sad. I was very sad. I am still a little sad.

I was so sad that I started sobbing at a friend's baby shower and had to leave before I became hysterical (which I did, and it lasted for several hours). I was hormonal, had had a little too much to drink, was on my second baby shower of the day, and was two days out from my neurologist telling me that he didn't recommend that we attempt another pregnancy.

Really, why did I think going to two baby showers (or any, for that matter) was a good idea? It wasn't.

So, why am I blogging about it? Because. It's time to move on. As much as I can for now. I'm embracing what we have; the silver linings of being a single child household.

Instead of seeing what I don't have - running toward what we do have.

We are done having kids, it's a new phase in our lives. No more prenancies. No more day care. No more diapers. My body is my own. I can lose weight and get back in shape (FINALLY) without wondering if it's a waste of time since I'll just get pregnant again some day.

We've been on the fertility track for seven and a half years. That's a LONG time. It feels incredibly free to just say "I'm done." "I'm moving on." Despite my disappointment, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Like trying to conceive was a bit of a fog or filter through which I saw everything else in my life.

Yeah, I will miss having another baby ... but I also find that I give of myself more freely to other kids - my neice and nephews especially. I focus on enjoying them, building a relationship with them, and watching the relationship my son has with them evolve.

I love my life. It is a blessing. Really, my luck and good fortune are not lost in the disappointment. Would I have loved my life with a second child? Absolutely. But, that is not my life. This is. And it's pretty damn awesome.