No Fear

On December 4, 2011 I took my first Bikram Yoga class. I had recently learned that I have pretty severe arthritis in my right ankle, and I’d have to stop running. Now, I was no professional runner. I was barely an avid runner. I’ve run on and off since high school, sometimes a lot, sometimes not at all – but I had actually been training for a ½ marathon. I’ve not lost the baby weight from my FOUR YEAR OLD, and running was my tried-and-true workout that I didn’t hate and achieved physical results and was the absolute best stress reliever I knew.

So, it’s sucks not to be able to run anymore – but it’s not “not running” that sucks the most. It’s learning at 34 that my running days were behind me. I was being retired. Awesome.

Why do I have arthritis in my right ankle, you ask? Because in addition to a hereditary predisposition, I broke my ankle in a car accident when I was 18. It was a devastating accident – ambulance ride, hospital stay, wheel chair, wear an orthopedic boot to Senior Prom devastating. But, I lived – and l was, long term, largely unscathed. But, as with any devastating injury – your body may heal, but it’s never quite the same.

So … the arthritis diagnosis was actually just the icing on the proverbial cake at the end of a very difficult … well, like 18 months, which included an AWFUL soul-crushing job, two miscarriages and getting laid off from the awful soul-crushing job (which was still a slap in the face).

Despite landing on my feet, and intellectually feeling really good about the direction I was taking my life and career; spiritually and emotionally I felt like Swiss cheese.

I didn’t know exactly what I needed to do – but I knew that change was required. I needed to feel fitter and more comfortable in my own body – whatever that body might look like. I needed to fill in the spiritual and emotional holes. I needed to manage my almost crippling anxiety that had escalated dramatically.

Enter, Bikram. My (incredibly fit an gorgeous) best friend had practiced regularly before, and suggested I give it a try. (If she’d suggested standing on my head and chanting the ABCs backwards – I would have probably done it.)

Going in, I was quietly terrified.

Afraid I couldn’t hack it. Afraid that at merely 34 that my body was too out-of-shape, too inflexible, too broken to be fixed. Afraid that if I didn’t do something big – that my mental and physical health wouldn’t sustain me into my forties, fifties, etc. Afraid about a lot of things. Afraid we’ll never have another child. Afraid we will have another child. Afraid of another miscarriage.

Afraid that I didn’t deserve the wonderful life I have.

Wrapped up in what others might think about me and my choices.

Crippled by the fear of success. Crippled by fear.

…

Well, I made it through my first, second, and third class – There is something about making it through 26 (difficult) poses for 90 minutes in a a 104 degree, humid room that's transformational. If I could do this, I was pretty sure I could do anything. I just had to put aside the fear.

There is a quote on the wall of the Bikram – that I’m carrying with me through 2011 …

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles

And so began 2011. A new year. My 35th year. A year, like every other when we can’t possibly know what lies ahead of us. And we can choose to be afraid. Or, we can embrace our own light, be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous. Because, we are.

What are you afraid of? Let’s conquer it together.