Weight Loss

There are a LOT of blog topics swimming around in my head. I overthink things - and as a result don't do them. I've spent months thinking blogging about weight loss, including video and pictures and blah blah friggin' blah that I don't write or video or do anything.

Worse - I spend so much time and energy thinking about losing weight, eating better and exercising more. I spend so much time **thinking**, and no time DOING. If I spent 1/2 that energy actually DOING something healthy and productive I would ACTUALLY lose weight, AND THEN I would weigh less than I do now.

(This thinking rather than doing issue is pervasive in my life. We'll get to that eventually. Maybe. Stay tuned. I might just think about it. Or, I might do something. We'll see.)

Example - I do approximately as poor a job on my own blog (craftygreenmom) as I do here at Mommy Magic (seriously, Mary Susan, I do) - so you can go see two examples of my delcarations of seriousness with ZERO action here and here. (I REALLY want to just delete those posts, but I'd be lying and the interwebs would know, and bad things would happen.)

I don't actually know precisely how much I weigh right now, I think about 186. I was not going to blog until I had taken my first morning weight tomorrow, but that was just another excuse NOT to do something instead of a reason to DO something.

So, today I am doing - DID, something. There I am!!! :-) Up there, on the left. Weight Watchers told me to take a "before" picture, so I did. I think you can see the largeish spare tire I'm carrying around there in the middle. There is at least one extra chin lurking in there, and those are size 14 (Size 42 Jag) jeans, and they are NOT TOO BIG. I am ROCKING the MJ-esqe pleather jacket I got on super sale at Nordstom though! (He-HE!) I can't presently zip it, and while I might never really want to do that - I would like to be ABLE TO.

I will also take this opportunity to point out that orange and pink beauty around my neck. That's "Orangie" a super-simple knit cowl made in all cotton which I was FORCED to wear today because it's FREEZING here. (FREEZING, I tell you! It was 53 degrees F this morning when I left the house! We almost stayed home. Holy cow.) You should note that one thing I don't have trouble DOING is KNITTING. But, I digress...

Back to weight loss and more doing ... I heart me some coffee. And, I heart it more with lots o' cream and Splenda. Hold just a moment please... [insert pause here]

... In the spirit of DOING, I just trotted on over to Weight Watchers and tracked my breakfast and lunch and coffee with loads of creamer and the almost fully consumed large bottle of water. There! Ha! Doing!

Instead of NOT tracking because I didn't precisely measure every drop of creamer and because I didn't know EXACLY how many points are in my breakfast casserole - I guessed and tracked. I think that's better than not doing it.

There, I did something. Several things. I tracked my food, ate healthy, drank some water, wrote a blog - WITH PICTURES - ALL BEFORE NOON. I think it's time for a nap.

I don't want to blog about it.

A few weeks ago, I reached out to Mommy Magic fans on FB and asked for input and comments from moms who have only one child. The comments were very much what I had expected. Sometimes you get to make the choice - and sometimes choices are made it for you. But everyone (who posted) appreciated the blessing of the child they have.

Reading between the not so subtle lines, you can probably guess this is an issue / choice that my husband and I have been facing. Well ... I've started this blog 100 different times in my head. Mostly, I attempted to wax poetic and nostalgic about my desire to have another child. How agonizing it is to: miscarry (three times), worry about my son who won't get to have a sibling, decide whether or not to potentially risk my own health to attempt another pregnancy, blah, blah, friggin' blah.

We've made our choice - and we're not having any more kids. It was an agonizing decision.

I was sad. I was very sad. I am still a little sad.

I was so sad that I started sobbing at a friend's baby shower and had to leave before I became hysterical (which I did, and it lasted for several hours). I was hormonal, had had a little too much to drink, was on my second baby shower of the day, and was two days out from my neurologist telling me that he didn't recommend that we attempt another pregnancy.

Really, why did I think going to two baby showers (or any, for that matter) was a good idea? It wasn't.

So, why am I blogging about it? Because. It's time to move on. As much as I can for now. I'm embracing what we have; the silver linings of being a single child household.

Instead of seeing what I don't have - running toward what we do have.

We are done having kids, it's a new phase in our lives. No more prenancies. No more day care. No more diapers. My body is my own. I can lose weight and get back in shape (FINALLY) without wondering if it's a waste of time since I'll just get pregnant again some day.

We've been on the fertility track for seven and a half years. That's a LONG time. It feels incredibly free to just say "I'm done." "I'm moving on." Despite my disappointment, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Like trying to conceive was a bit of a fog or filter through which I saw everything else in my life.

Yeah, I will miss having another baby ... but I also find that I give of myself more freely to other kids - my neice and nephews especially. I focus on enjoying them, building a relationship with them, and watching the relationship my son has with them evolve.

I love my life. It is a blessing. Really, my luck and good fortune are not lost in the disappointment. Would I have loved my life with a second child? Absolutely. But, that is not my life. This is. And it's pretty damn awesome.

Of Katy Perry, Twilight and other Guilty Pleasures ...

I like Katy Perry. I adore the Twilight books. I'm a 34-year-old successful career woman with a husband of nearly 10 years and a healthy, well-adjusted 4 1/2 year old son.

So, why do I feel that I need to deny that I play Katy Perry's "Firework" full blast in my car and sing along while driving to work? I actually find the lyrics empowering and inspirational - yet I feel like this bubble-gum pop shouldn't have any affect on me at all. I should turn it down and listen to NPR or something.

I hesitate to admit that I've read all four Twilight Saga books (secretly on my Kindle) ... twice (I also own the audio books). I own the Eclipse movie soundtrack, and all three movies which I keep on my iPhone so they are ready when I want to watch one while flying across the country for a business trip (I keep the iPhone close so no one can see what I'm watching). I can't wait for Breaking Dawn Vol. 1 AND 2 to come out. Have you Googled "Twimom" ... I am SO not on my own here.

At what point do we (did we?) get "too old" to forget about the project due at work and just sing while driving. Or indulge in an unrealistic, but hopelessly romantic teen love affair?

No more! It's time to fess up and own this! I'm admitting it to you (8000+ Mommy Magic fans will see this post to Facebook) that I LOVE the Twilight books - they are not going to win the Pulitzer or solve world hunger. But, you know what - they are fun. They are a tiny escape from being a grown-up. A adolescent love story - and who doesn't feel a wee bit fondly for their adolescent love?

Katy Perry might not be sophisticated jazz or a complex symphony, but it makes me want to dance and sing.

What's your guilty pleasure?

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

No Fear

On December 4, 2011 I took my first Bikram Yoga class. I had recently learned that I have pretty severe arthritis in my right ankle, and I’d have to stop running. Now, I was no professional runner. I was barely an avid runner. I’ve run on and off since high school, sometimes a lot, sometimes not at all – but I had actually been training for a ½ marathon. I’ve not lost the baby weight from my FOUR YEAR OLD, and running was my tried-and-true workout that I didn’t hate and achieved physical results and was the absolute best stress reliever I knew.

So, it’s sucks not to be able to run anymore – but it’s not “not running” that sucks the most. It’s learning at 34 that my running days were behind me. I was being retired. Awesome.

Why do I have arthritis in my right ankle, you ask? Because in addition to a hereditary predisposition, I broke my ankle in a car accident when I was 18. It was a devastating accident – ambulance ride, hospital stay, wheel chair, wear an orthopedic boot to Senior Prom devastating. But, I lived – and l was, long term, largely unscathed. But, as with any devastating injury – your body may heal, but it’s never quite the same.

So … the arthritis diagnosis was actually just the icing on the proverbial cake at the end of a very difficult … well, like 18 months, which included an AWFUL soul-crushing job, two miscarriages and getting laid off from the awful soul-crushing job (which was still a slap in the face).

Despite landing on my feet, and intellectually feeling really good about the direction I was taking my life and career; spiritually and emotionally I felt like Swiss cheese.

I didn’t know exactly what I needed to do – but I knew that change was required. I needed to feel fitter and more comfortable in my own body – whatever that body might look like. I needed to fill in the spiritual and emotional holes. I needed to manage my almost crippling anxiety that had escalated dramatically.

Enter, Bikram. My (incredibly fit an gorgeous) best friend had practiced regularly before, and suggested I give it a try. (If she’d suggested standing on my head and chanting the ABCs backwards – I would have probably done it.)

Going in, I was quietly terrified.

Afraid I couldn’t hack it. Afraid that at merely 34 that my body was too out-of-shape, too inflexible, too broken to be fixed. Afraid that if I didn’t do something big – that my mental and physical health wouldn’t sustain me into my forties, fifties, etc. Afraid about a lot of things. Afraid we’ll never have another child. Afraid we will have another child. Afraid of another miscarriage.

Afraid that I didn’t deserve the wonderful life I have.

Wrapped up in what others might think about me and my choices.

Crippled by the fear of success. Crippled by fear.

…

Well, I made it through my first, second, and third class – There is something about making it through 26 (difficult) poses for 90 minutes in a a 104 degree, humid room that's transformational. If I could do this, I was pretty sure I could do anything. I just had to put aside the fear.

There is a quote on the wall of the Bikram – that I’m carrying with me through 2011 …

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles

And so began 2011. A new year. My 35th year. A year, like every other when we can’t possibly know what lies ahead of us. And we can choose to be afraid. Or, we can embrace our own light, be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous. Because, we are.

What are you afraid of? Let’s conquer it together.